Up and down, up and down, down even further, and it psyches you into thinking you're going back up again. . but no. .

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of drama.
I'm sick of myself.
I'm sick of the same thing everyday.
I'm sick of life.

Everytime I get a great inspiration to write or draw or create, I grab a pencil, rush to the computer. . and it's gone. All the inspiriation seeps away and drowns me in failure.

My family has absolutely stressed me out.
My friends, some, have absolutely stressed me out.
School has absolutely stressed me out.
Life is too fucking stressful for me.

I sometime stop and sit there and think, "Well, I can pull through this. I have before."
Then I remember, "I haven't pulled through this, I'm still fucking in it!"

I sometimes think, "Stay alive, keep doing strong, try to prove them wrong. Try to prove me wrong."
Then I remember, "You're going to die eventually, so what use is even trying?"

Sometimes I think, "Well, yeah. I'll just kill myself. Don't know how, but I will."
Then I remember, "I'd feel too guilty for making people mourn. It's too selfish. You're too selfish."

Then I think, "Well, what have I gotten out of not being selfish? They don't do anything for me."
Then I remember, "Look at what your parents have done for you. Look at how much you've put people through."

"If I've put them through so much, wouldn't they be glad if I were gone?"
"They would mourn you. It'd scar them. It scarred you."
"Who cares? I won't- I wouldn't even be here to know."
"How do you know?"
"I don't, I don't fucking know."
"So do it and get it over with."
"But I can't."
"Too fucking guilty and selfish."
"Too fucking nice and scared."

No one is going to read this anyway.
Hm.

I've asked so many people for help.
Only one person has really helped me.
Though he doesn't even really seem to care on a personal level.
Fuck.
That hurts.
I can't stand what's going on.

There's so much shit built up.
Is everyone like this?
Do they just handle it better than me?
Am I simply unable to handle the normal things people face?
There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not special enough for that.
As much as I'd wish.
Fuck.

And one would figure this venting would help.
No, it doesn't. It makes it worse.
I was angry before I came in here.
Now I'm utterly choked up.
And in my family I'm too scared to show anything beyond extremely basic emotions.

I don't know where all this spawns from.
There's so much.
I could pin it all one one thing.
But there's always another down the line.
And another.
And another.
And another.

No one is going to read this.
So what's the use of trying.
Fuck.
Whatever.
I give up.